Why Grief Work Matters For Parents

nonviolent communication parenting nvc parenting parenting self connection Aug 01, 2025

By Jorinde Rapsey

It’s winter. The kind of cold that slows everything down. While my husband and daughter are off in Europe for a few months on a mission, my son and I decided to have our own home missions: playing Catan (a fabulous board game) by the fire, visiting the snow, and attending weekly classes.

Then a virus hit.

We both ended up on the couch for nearly ten days. Hot water bottles, lemon and honey, blankets, firewood, and lots of rest. My son was hit harder, with a fever lasting five days. I stayed upright enough to care for him, but my body felt heavy and achy, unusually sensitive.

And alongside the physical discomfort, something else was there too: a resistance to rest.

Even while lying on the couch, part of me was still leaning forward - thinking about the event I had to cancel, the rescheduling, the emails, the projects waiting. There was a momentum I didn’t want to lose.

One morning, feeling slightly better, I got up early to do some work on my laptop. When my son woke up I said to him:
“Let’s make a bit of a plan for today. I can read you a story, and I’d also like to do a little work.”

His response was immediate and loud:
“You’re always on your computer. That’s all you care about.”

Ouch.

His words echoed judgments I carry about myself. One (internal) voice in me went:
“Why can’t you just chill out, stay off the screen when your children are around? Look at you, you’re a terrible role model, and what a hypocrite!”

And right on its heels came another voice, trying to defend:
“But I love what I do: sharing NVC, writing, connecting with people! This work matters so much to me!”

I lay down beside him and decided to listen to his complaints, trusting that there is a precious gem in there I can learn from.

So I listened, to him and to myself. I offered some reflections and guesses.

When I began to gently explain what was alive in me, still holding an intention to stay connected and take in what he was expressing, he cut in again:
“Why do you talk like that, it takes you so long and I don't get the words you're using. Just say what you mean!”

That one landed hard. It touched something raw in me. And I hit my edge. I could feel that familiar pull, the desire to be right, a fight energy.

I stood up and attempted to express myself in a way that, in NVC, we playfully refer to as “screaming in giraffe.” The giraffe, with its long neck and large heart, is a symbol in NVC for perspective, openness, and compassion.

So even when strong emotions are present, screaming in giraffe is about expressing intensity while still taking responsibility for my own feelings and needs - without blame, shame, or attack directed at the other person.

“I’m really upset right now! I want to be understood and seen for how much I care, for how I’ve been showing up, for my effort to try and to understand you and be understood, to communicate in a way that keeps us connected!”

There was something deeply satisfying in my expression. A sense of power in my voice, of clarity.

And with a teary voice, he said:
“Yeah... that’s what I mean, now you talk more clearly.”

But I was in pain. He was in pain. We were both physically unwell and emotions were running from one little toe all the way through to the skull and back, in many different directions.

The closest I came to connection in that moment was a quiet acknowledgement:
“Hey buddy… I see us both struggling right now.”

Later that day, I took a walk. I felt the grief settling in my body. The grief of something older. The grief of trying so hard to be the kind of parent I longed for and seldomly experienced myself as a child. The grief of feeling depleted, drained, a sense of ‘failing’, even as I poured my heart into trying to do it ‘right’.

While walking on the beach, my mind visited old childhood memories. And the realization that there is so much unprocessed grief alive in me that simply wants to be warmly received. Time to reach out to my dear empathy community to request a listening ear for the deep feelings in me…

As I sit here writing this, I am touched by how strongly I want to live in a world where there is space for grief, and how I'd like to contribute to this in my little way. 

Grief Work for Parents: Making Sense, Finding Freedom

Having trained in grief work with Daniel Cohen, Yoram Mosenzon (both NVC trainers), and Francis Weller (psychotherapist), and recently immersed in a comprehensive course on Interpersonal Neurobiology with Dr. Dan Siegel, I feel deeply inspired to offer learning and processing spaces for grief.

Not necessarily grief for lost loved ones (though that is of course welcome), but the quieter griefs we carry:

  • the grief of how we were raised,
  • the unmet needs of our childhoods,
  • and the patterns we find ourselves repeating as parents.

Given our cultural conditioning, many of us carry unacknowledged or unprocessed grief in our systems. As Dan Siegel describes in The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (Guilford Press), the effects of unresolved loss or trauma related to specific overwhelming events tend to impact our brain development and, in return, our ability to connect and attune to others, including our children.

As a result, our children’s brains don’t develop optimally. They are more likely to experience emotional and behavioural difficulties, which hugely impact their overall wellbeing in later life.

Change is Possible

Close relationships shape us across the lifespan. Our early relational experiences have a powerful impact on the people we become, but we are not defined by them.

The hopeful news is that change is possible. When we reflect on our past and receive the kind of support that helps us process what happened, our brains can rewire. Over time, we can develop a more secure sense of self. This positively affects our health and wellbeing, our  relationships - including with our children.

"The most important factor in determining the security of the parent-child relationship is not what happened to the parents as children, but how they have made sense of those childhood experiences."
—Siegel and Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out, p. 4–5

Studies by Main, Hesse, and others show that ‘secure attachment’ in childhood is strongly linked to emotional resilience, greater wellbeing, and healthier relationships later in life. And when parents make sense of their life stories, their children are significantly more likely to develop secure attachment relationships. Grief work invites us parents into this sense-making. It allows us to explore how we've responded to adversity, to witness our own pain with compassion, and to begin forging new relational pathways - within ourselves and with those we love.

By processing and understanding how we responded to adversity in the past, our brains can form new connections that support greater integration, compassion, and a deeper sense of freedom.

Close relationships shape us. And it is never too late to reshape how we show up in them.

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