Stop Reacting to Your Child With This Simple Thinking Habit

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In your search for a more peaceful, easier relationship with your child, do you sometimes notice that you are the one who brings the tension?

As hard as you try to be calm and chilled out, do you find yourself endlessly reacting to your children? Shouting, yelling, exploding? Maybe then lying awake and wishing you could have responded differently? 

When we are overwhelmed as parents, we often focus a lot of energy outwardly at our children, thinking about how we can make them behave differently, listen to us, do what we say…so that we don’t have to be so reactive.

But what if I told you that one of the main drivers for your reactivity has nothing to do with how your child is behaving…. it’s to do with how you are thinking. If you can change this, you can bring so much more peace and calm into your home.

In this article, I’ll talk you through how to notice the thinking habits that might be contributing to your reactivity, how these thought patterns might be impacting your relationship with your child in ways you don’t notice, and some simple habits you can start today to change these patterns and bring more peace into your family life.

How our thinking contributes to reactivity

To understand how your thinking impacts your reactions, I want you to do this little thought experiment with me.

Imagine a mother arriving home from a busy day of work. (Let’s call her “Janet”). Janet walks into the living room and sees her child pouring paint on the carpet.

When Janet sees this, she immediately bubbles into rage. Without any sense of choice or agency, she starts shouting, screaming, yelling. She stamps her foot and waves her fist and hears words coming from her mouth that surprise her. Her child looks up, bursts into tears and runs out.

Now imagine another mother - Alicia – who lives next door. She also arrives home to see her child on the ground, squirting paint at the carpet (new TikTok craze perhaps?) but unlike Janet, when Alicia sees this her reaction doesn’t come straight away.

She is able to pause. She takes a breath and then considers how she wants to respond. When it comes out, it is a calm, grounded and considered response - not a reaction.

So consider this - how is it possible for Alicia to respond calmly in this moment? Why is Alicia able to find this space, this pause, when Janet reacts without any sense of choice? 

We tend to think that the situations we are in cause our emotions. Here, we might think that the act of pouring paint on the carpet caused Janet’s anger. This is really embedded in our language - we say things like “you make me feel so mad” or “It makes me so upset when you do that”. 

But what this little thought experiment shows is that it can’t be the situation alone that causes our feelings and reactions. The exact same event has happened to both mothers - both of them are staring at a big painty mess on their carpet - but the way they are feeling and how they react are quite different.

One really important thing to notice is that the way they each respond is impacted hugely by what they are thinking about what happened - how they interpret this event. 

How our thoughts impact how we feel and respond

Beneath Janet’s rage is likely to be a whole lot of thoughts - things like:

• He’s trying to wind me up! 
• He doesn’t care about our home. 
• He always does this kind of thing.
• He’s out of control 
• I’m going to spend all night clearing this up!
• He doesn’t care about me! 

 She might even hold some thoughts and judgements about herself, thinking:

• I’m a failure.
• I’m a terrible mother.
• I bet Alicia’s kids would never do this sort of thing.
• I can’t control him.

These thoughts stimulate huge pain and anger in Janet. She feels scared, hurt, helpless and furious and she responds accordingly.

What’s happening is that Janet's thoughts have created a lens through which she is seeing the world. It is this lens that is stimulating her feelings and her response, not the situation alone. 

Here’s the thing - all day long, our minds are making up stories about the world around us. Human beings are exceptional at this - our minds are like story making machines - its’ just the way our brains naturally make sense of the world. 

But your thoughts and judgments completely change the way you perceive the world. Alicia and Janet feel and respond differently because they are, in a very real way, living in a completely different reality.  Even though the same event has taken place, their experience is very different. 

When Alicia sees exactly the same event, something quite different is happening inside her. She might be thinking something like:

• Hmm, she’s poured some paint on the carpet
• I wonder why she did that?
• Is she upset about something?
• I wonder what she needs?
• I wonder how I can help.

These sort of thoughts are likely to stimulate feelings of curiosity, concern or care. These feelings in turn shape how she is able to respond.

Again the thoughts stimulate the feelings, which stimulate a response. 

The lens we see the world through

We’re always looking at the world through a lens. These lenses determine how we see and understand the people and events around us. The thing is, for the most part, we don’t notice this lens. We think it is reality we are seeing, and the lens is invisible to us. The lens becomes our reality.  

The secret to changing how we are able to respond is not to get rid of the lens, but rather to notice that we are wearing it.

As soon as we notice the lens, suddenly, we have a choice. We can ask ourselves, how does this lens impact my reality? Which lens do I want to see the world through? Which lens serves me best?

If I am wearing a lens that tells me my child is “trying to wind me up” or “I’m a terrible mother”, I’m going to interpret all of their actions accordingly, believing these thoughts to be true. 

The way I feel will be shaped by these thoughts – perhaps leading me to feel hurt, angry, annoyed or scared.  My reactions and responses will also come from this energy.

The tragedy is that as parents, we have an enormous role in creating our child’s reality. Over time, the lens we are wearing, and the reactions that stem from this, start to shape our child’s perception of themselves - their lens. Our child might start to see themselves through the same distorted lens we see them through and may well start acting accordingly.

What can we do about this?

The trouble is, we’ve had these glasses on for a long time now, and learning to notice our lens can be challenging. It can take time, a lot of self-compassion and practice. 

However, there are some simple steps that you can take today to help you to have more awareness of the lenses you might be wearing, and to start creating some space, and a little bit of choice.

Step 1. Notice what actually happened

When something happens with your child that you don’t like, try to pause and notice what actually happened. Not the story you are telling yourself, not the judgements and interpretation, but the actual observable events that have taken place.

Between us and this reality are often a whole lot of thoughts and stories. A helpful way to distinguish between our thoughts (…judgements, stories, interpretations) and what is actually happening is to think:

What would a video camera see and hear? 

The art of observation is to start peeling back all of these thoughts and reveal what is beneath. Here some clues that there may be some layers to peel back:

1. Mind reading - If I am telling myself something about what is happening inside my child - their thoughts their feelings their intentions - this is mindreading. For instance I might thinking - “He is trying to wind me up”

📹 A camera can’t read minds, it can’t see people’s intentions, so if I am telling myself something about my child’s inner world or intentions, this is a thought, not an observation.

2. Exaggeration or generalisation -  Another thing a camera can’t do is exaggerate or generalise. If what I notice is “ He is always doing this” or “she never does that” this is an exaggeration.

📹 A camera can only ever see and hear what is happening in this moment - so if we are telling ourselves that something always or never happens, this is not an observation)

 3. Judging, blaming, fault-finding - If I am saying “this is all my fault” this or “he is such a bad kid”  that that is your thought, not an observation.

📹 A camera can’t blame, criticise or insult – it can only record what is there. 

Once we peel all of these layers back, what we’re left with is an actual observation - what the camera would have captured:

📹 He is pouring paint on the carpet 📹 

Everything else that wasn’t an observation - don’t get rid of this yet. Our thoughts and judgements, when we actually take the time to notice them, can give us incredibly valuable information.

Step 2 – Notice the needs beneath your judgements

Once you’ve noticed the thoughts and judgements you have layered onto a situation, you can see them as important signals pointing to our deepest needs and longings. Our thoughts and stories are really just a way that our minds try to interpret the world so that we can find a way to make sense of it. A way that we can ultimately get what we need in order to have a joyful, fulfilling life.  

That’s what all these lenses are ultimately for - they are trying to help us to understand the world in a way that we can have a joy-filled life. But sometimes these interpretations can get in the way. We want peace, we long for it, but our stories and interpretations are making it hard for us to achieve this.

A much more direct route to finding the peace we are seeking is to get in the habit of noticing what deeper longings our thoughts and lenses are trying to direct us to. For instance:

• When I am judging my child for “being really lazy”, what this lens/thought is really pointing me to is that I’m longing for some “cooperation” in my life. This is the deep longing behind this thought.
• When I judge them for being “a nasty little #$@”, I am actually looking for is  
• When my lens sees “He is always trying to push my buttons”, my heart is aching for “consideration”.

Over time, with practice, we can start to shift our focus from these judgements to our needs - a much more direct route to finding the peace-filled family life we are after.

By Sally Prebble, PhD (Co-founder, Peace Talks NZ)

If you are ready to learn how to apply this approach to your own life, check out our From Chaos to Connection course (we offer this as self-study and accompanied versions depending on your particular needs and the level of support you are after). If you let us walk alongside you for 90-days, we can support you to take some practical strides towards parenting in a way that is both easier, and more aligned for with your wish for peaceful, calm and connecting family life. Feel free to get in touch with us if you're not sure which would be the best fit for you!

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