Fuelling Connection: The secret to building a strong emotional bond with your child

By Sally Prebble, PhD

What is the secret to developing a strong emotional bond with your child or teenager?

As parents, we know intuitively that this bond is incredibly important, and an avalanche of research now backs this up. How deeply connected we are with our children has a huge impact on their healthy development, and it turns out, on how easy and enjoyable it is to be their parent. 

But in practice, the tricky, busy lives we lead as modern parents can make this really difficult. We have more things to do each day than we have hours or arms to do them, and we are competing for our children’s attention with Minecraft and Mr Beast. Connecting with our children can sometimes feel like an impossible task. 

Sometimes the parents I work with tell me that this difficulty leads them to want to give up trying; especially when their children's behaviour is challenging and life is full. But this is exactly when our children need connection more than ever! So how we can put connection with our children right on the top of our priority list each day?

In this article, I will show you a really simple framework for how to know exactly what you can do to build connection with your child in a way that will actually work for your life and for their temperament. 

But first, I want to show you why connection is a little bit like a fire.

(Prefer to watch? You can see a video I made on this topic here)

A fire can sometimes be a bit tricky to light, but will start to take care of itself after it is established, needing only a watchful eye and gentle maintenance.

We can think of building connection with our children in this modern world as a bit like trying to light a fire outside, on a windy hillside, in difficult weather…with damp wood. The modern world makes connecting with our children extremely difficult (as I explore in this article).

And yet the theory of fire building is the same regardless of the condition. All you need to know to light a roaring fire is what fuel to add in what order. 

Fuel Type 1: Paper

The first type of fuel any fire needs is something really light and flammable. This is easily lit, it lights up quickly. But it also doesn’t burn for long. It flares up and burns out.

In connection terms, this would be all of the fun, light and easy things we do with our children. Things like laughing together, playing games, jumping on the trampoline, running around, singing and dancing, being silly together, watching things together, anything that is quickly enjoyable and connects you with your child on the level of fun, humour and joy. 

You need enough of these to add quick bursts of connection in order to ignite the next level.

Fuel Type 2: Kindling

The kindling is the essential first layer of light wood that can catch easily from the paper. It burns hotter than the paper, but will also burn out fast if there is not enough of it.

In connection terms, this is the level of daily loving interactions, affection and companionship. This is reading books in bed together, hugs, back rubs, and saying I love you. It is eating meals together and chatting about our days - it’s the companionship and loving affection of daily life. You need enough and a stable enough layer of these daily loving acts in order to get the next level going.

Fuel Type 3: Big Wood

This layer is the heavy fuel that will get the fire burning hot and will ensure that the fire will properly take hold and last. 

In connection terms, this is deep intimacy, safety and trust. This is being able to listen to our child’s pain, hearing their fear and their moments of despair, supporting them when they need us. It is seeing them and accepting and loving them exactly as they are, however they are acting that day. It is noticing when we have impacted them and taking steps to repair the hurt. It is deep and intense commitment to this relationship over time, through challenges and change. 

The fire cannot burn hot and long without this layer, but if you put it on without the kindling and paper, the heavy wood can’t catch light. We need all of these types of fuel in a fire, and all of these types of connection to build a deep and resilient bond with our children. 

What to do when connection goes wrong

If our fire isn’t burning well, we can pause to think about which type of fuel we might be missing. Are we missing the fast burning layer needed to get the fire started? Are we lacking enough of the middle layer to allow the heat to develop, or are we missing the bigger bits of fuel that are needed to get the fire really hot and self-sustaining?

You can run the same diagnostic process when you sense your connection with your child is not going well. 

Grab a bit of paper - if you haven’t already burned it all - and we can try this together. Fold your paper in three:

• In the first column, write down what you currently do on an average day that is fun, light and quickly connecting with your child or teenager (paper).
• In the second, write down what you do that builds regular affection and companionship (kindling).
• In the third, list what you do that builds deeper intimacy and trust (big wood). 

Now have a look at your paper and consider this: at which of these layers do you notice gaps in your relationship with your child? Which type of connection do you find hardest? Which did you miss out on when you were a child? Which layer is your child most resistant?

If you notice there are some gaps, that’s OK! You're not alone. We will all notice gaps at times. That is what a great fire builder is. Not someone who puts all the right wood in all at once, but someone willing to watch the fire with curiosity and love and notice what tending is needed.

Wherever you sense there is a gap, brainstorm a few idea that you could do to build up the heat at each of these layers. And when you are thinking about this, be sure to think of ideas that are both doable for you, and for your child’s temperament and preferences.

Every fire is different - the size of wood, the shape, the density is different. The same is true for connection and building an emotional bond with our children. Some children will thrive with fishing trips and kicking soccer balls, others will want to cook with you or read books in the sun back to back. Some like big bear hugs, while others like to have you hold their hand quietly. 

When you are doing this exercise, don’t compare yourself to other families and what you see them do (or worse, what you see on social media). Watch your own fire, using the wood you have, and build the best, hottest, brightest fire you can, by patiently watching the fire, noticing when more fuel is needed and trying a bit to see if it catches.