How to speak so your child WANTS to listen

By Sally Prebble, PhD.

Does your child never do what you say? Do you sometimes feel like your volume might be switched off?

As parents - we have a lot we want to say to our children. Important things, wise things…we really care! But unfortunately, so much what we attempt to communicate is completely lost on our children. 

In this busy, fast-paced world, it is getting harder and harder for them to hear us. Our children are overwhelmed in an ocean of noise. It’s not just that they have learned to tune us out, it’s that they are so bombarded by the noise of the world, they have to turn the volume down in order to cope. 

Faced with this challenge many of us only have a couple of tricks to try: we try to turn the volume up (perhaps shouting, begging, growling, imploring) or we give up and stop trying.

Yes, the world is a noisy, distracting place, but I want to encourage you to keep trying to reach your children, because they need you more than ever!

I’m going to show you some steps I share with the people I work with that make it much more likely that your child is going to be able to hear you, care what you say, and maybe even want to do the things you ask sometimes - but not by competing with the noise. Instead, by taping into your children’s ancient connection wiring. 

Because the technology and noise we are competing with might have been around for 20 years or so now, but our children’s evolutionary wiring to connect with their caregivers  has been around for hundreds of thousands of years. By mastering these steps, you are putting yourself in the competition you were designed, as a parent, to win.

 (Prefer to watch? Here is a video I've made on this topic).

Step 1: Make sure you have actually made a request

This may sound obvious, but you might be surprised how often, if you start paying close attention to your requests, you are actually being pretty vague about what you are asking. 

For instance, a few days ago, my family was running late for something or other. I was getting frustrated because it seemed to me that I had been asking (and asking, and asking) for my children to get ready, and they were still far from. 

Amidst my frustration, I was able somehow to pause (mid-eyeroll) and ask myself an important question: What had I actually asked them to do?

Replaying my most recent “request” in my head, I realised that what I had actually done is raise my voice (partly in frustration, and partly to project from the kitchen where I was standing, into the outside area where they were playing) and shouted:

 “Hurry up, we’re getting late!” 

Astute readers might notice, looking at this, that I haven’t actually made a request. It is not at all clear from these words what I actually wanted them to do. Get in the car? Put their shoes on? Pack their lunches? All of the above?

What we often don't notice when we are mid-rush is that we forget to name the specific actions we are wanting them to take…and then we’re quite surprised when they don’t do it. 

If you aren’t clear they are very unlikely to act. Or they might act, thinking they are doing what you have asked, but do something that is quite far from what you were thinking because, well…it was confusing.

So this is a simple thing to check: have a think back to the last time you asked or instructed your child to do something, and felt really frustrated when they didn’t do it. What was the specific task you were asking them to do, and was it very clear and doable? 

• If you want them to pick up their bag and walk to the car with you, did you say that?
• If you wanted them to sit on the couch waiting as soon as they were ready, did you say that?

The other advantage to being more specific is that it helps us to be aware of how many things we might actually be asking them to do. A vague instruction like “Get ready” might contain ten or more specific tasks:

1. Get dressed
2. Eat breakfast
3. Brush teeth
4. Pack lunch
5. Get homework
6. Put shoes and socks on
7. Do breakfast dishes
8. Pack your bag
9. Etc, etc. 

Does your child know all of the steps? Are they developmentally able to do them all? Do they know the priority and order?  

This point was brought home to a friend of mine recently when she asked her kids to “go pack” for a weekend away. Her eldest child returned an hour later with an ipad and a bag of marshmallows, and her younger two disappeared to their rooms and had managed no packing.

Why? Because her request was not clear. When she tried again she asked:

"Are you willing to pack all of your clothes and toiletries for two night away?"

And she handed the younger two a list. They did a bit better this time around because the request was clear and the steps were laid out. 

Step 2: Make it "positive"

One trick to notice here is that often what we say to our child is what we don’t want them to do. For instance, we might shout “don’t make me late again!” or “don’t jump on the sofa!”. 

The problem with “negative” instructions is that they don't give your child a clear image of what you want them to do. Instead, they paint a sometimes vivid picture in your child’s head of the opposite. As one of my children once remarked, when we were in a shop with expensive ornaments, “I hadn’t even thought about picking them up until the lady told me not to!”

Instead, give your child as clear an image as possible of what you do want them to do. Try picturing it yourself (what are they doing, where are they standing, what does their body do?) and then describe this.

What I ended up saying on that late, rushy morning, once I had taken a few nerve-calming breaths, was: "Hey my loves. Can you pick up your bags and follow me out to the car now?” 

They didn’t know how to “not make me late” but picking up their bags and walking was clear and specific enough to paint a picture - they could do this.

The clearer and more specific we are  in our requests, the more likely it is that our children are going to be able to do what we’re asking.   

Step 3: Be PRESENT in your requests

A clear, positive request is really helpful, but if you are not present (physically or emotionally), it is unlikely to happen. 

Imagine if at work, you never saw your boss, but instead received anonymous letters each  morning telling you what to do “Do some work”. This is pretty unlikely to inspire willingness and cooperation in you because a request is not just some words, it is a moment of relationship. 

When you ask your child to do something, you are actually asking quite a lot of them. You’re asking them to pull their attention out of their world, out of their interests and cares and thoughts and worries, out of their needs and desires and to focus instead on yours.

Very often, we’re asking them to pivot and do something that is (if we're honest) less fun, and less obviously in their interest than whatever it is they are doing.  We are asking them to care about the thing that we care about - and how can we possibly expect them to care if we are distracted on our phones or not even in the same room?

What can really help here is: 

1. Being physically present with your child - at least in the same room, but preferably right in front of them, ideally on the same level. 
2. Making eye contact with them - this is important both so that you are directing your attention to them, but also so that you can see how your child responds to your request. 
3. Smiling at them and asking in a way that conveys warmth, kindness and appreciation. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to be scary to be listened to! In fact, warmth, affection and care make it much more likely that your child will hear you and want to respond.

All of these things massively influence the likelihood that your child will want to do what you are saying because when you are present with your child, you are placing your request in the context of your relationship. 

They are much more likely to want to do what you say not because you are the adult, or obedience is a “good thing”, or because they fear you, but because they love and trust you, and they would follow you anywhere.     

Step 4: Let them know why (NEEDS)

Another reason my “requests” on that morning fell flat was that I forgot to let my children know why I wanted them to do what I was asking. Why did it matter to me so much to “get there on time”?

This can be confusing, because there’s a lot of modern parenting advice based on the idea of obedience which says that telling our child why we want them to do something dilutes our power or control.

But if we are wanting cooperation and care and compassion and reasoning and independence and all of those wonderful qualities, then we want them to have the opportunity to learn why we are making these requests. 

This is a real mindset shift. What if we could start to trust that our children want the best for us, and want to cooperate. 

This doesn’t mean that they will want to do everything we ask, but it does mean that we could lean into the idea that our children basically care for us and our wellbeing, they want to contribute to our lives positively and help us to meet our needs. But it is really hard for them to do this if they don’t know what our needs are. 

If I just say, “Can you get in the car now, please!”, my child is extremely likely to feel some resistance. 

Why do I want them to get in the car? Why now? What’s the urgency? Why am I sounding so frustrated? Don’t I care about them and what they want? 

They will be so caught up in this, that they won’t be able to even hear whatever I might say next. 

Instead, I want to let them know why I am asking.  I want them to understand the needs I’m caring for (my needs and their needs). For instance, I could say: 

"I’d like to leave in 10 minutes so that we’ll have enough time to get to Nana’s place and have lots of time to play with your cousins. Does that work for you?”

Now, they may still have resistance, but it is amazing how much more open children can be to us when our requests make sense to them. And if they do have resistance, this is something that we can listen to and care for.

Step 5: Build in more space

Sometimes, we expect our children to be able to process and act so fast. We don't build in the mental time it can take to process a request. The younger the child, the longer it’s likely to take for them to process your words, to understand, to think what the steps would be and to sequence it. 

After you've made a request, stay close for a bit. Try counting to 30 slowly in your head before you say anything else. This way, you can have time to check whether they've heard you and understood. 

If you're not sure, you can always check with them to make sure they've heard you and that your words actually made sense to them. (e.g. “I want to make sure what I said made sense. Are you willing to tell me what you heard me say?”)

Step 6: Use fewer words

As parents, we often use a lot of words. Have you ever had that experience of speaking for 5 minutes on a beautifully crafted monologue, only to turn around to see a blank expression? The thing is, when your child is overwhelmed or upset or just distracted with their own stuff, they aren't actually able to take much in.

Try using fewer words, focusing on quality rather than quantity (e.g. Hey, I'm wanting to go quite soon so we don't get stuck in traffic. Are you willing to pack this up in 5 minutes and come to the car?)

The more important it is, the fewer words you should probably use. If it's really important, I recommend taking a few minutes to plan out what you'll say first. Think about:

• What is it specifically that you're requesting your child do?
• What needs is this likely to meet for you and for them? 
• Why is it so important? 
• What resistance might they have? What are the needs that they might have that your request might not take into account? 

By thinking it through first, you'll probably be able to say it in fewer words, and definitely in a way that is clearer and easier for them to understand. All of this makes it much more likely that they'll be able to hear you. But there's one foundational element that needs to be addressed before there's any chance of them listening to you... 

Step 7: Make sure YOU are listening to them

We sometimes forget this step because it's really hard when we're running late for the 18th time this week and it's only Tuesday; but whenever you notice the urge to jump in or lecture or give advice or tell your child what to do, just check with yourself. Have you heard yet what's important to them? 

Let's be honest, as parents, we are pretty exhausted. We are busy. We have a lot going on. We're also living in the same noisy, hectic world that our children are. Chances are, your nervous system might shut down a bit sometimes in order to cope. I know mine does, regularly!

So, the first thing to check if you notice your child doesn't seem to be listening is whether you're also experiencing difficulty tuning in and listening.

You've probably heard the old saying about having two ears and one mouth and using them in proportion. If you could listen to your child twice as often as you're expecting them to listen to you, this would be a really good start. 

By listening to our children, we're doing a few really amazing things all at once, all of which encourage and develop their listening abilities. 

• We're modeling listening, empathy, and cooperation. The most powerful way children actually learn these things is by observing and copying us. 
• We are seeking to understand what's happening for our children so that we know why they're overloaded. 
• Listening to your child actually helps them to be able to hear you better because it has the impact of emptying their emotional cup. If your child's emotional cup is very full and overflowing, which it probably is. Most of our children are pretty overwhelmed these days, they may need help to empty their cup a little bit before they can hear you. They're simply too full to take any more on. (If you want to hear more about how to do this, I have a video here that you can watch).

Put together, these steps are likely to make a significant difference to the quality of your requests and greatly increase the likelihood that your child will be able to hear you...perhaps even want to do what you ask. At least some of the time.