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"Everyday I am trying so damn hard,
but I just can’t make it work!"
These were the tearful words of Lisa, a mother of two who came to us because she was at the very end of her capacity to cope alone. She is a strong and capable woman, with a deep commitment to loving and peaceful parenting; but the challenges in her family had reached a threshold that exceeded her capacity.
She was struggling each day with school refusal, sleep disruptions, behaviour challenges, her daughter's recent autism diagnosis and a black-hole sized longing for rest and support. She was exhausted, alone and desperate to find a way forward.
Perhaps, like Lisa (and like me), you started your parenting journey with high hopes and beautiful dreams: you read a lot of books, joined a host of facebook groups and bought an organic bamboo sling…imagining many joy-filled years of warmth, laughter, and delicious moments of playdough-scented togetherness with your children.
Instead, and to your dismay, you may find yourself exhausted and alone. Your lived reality may look less “sweet, rosy-faced connection around the dinner table” and more “bitter shouting matches and hours of numbing screens amidst piles of unfolded laundry”. Your house might be a mess, and the air may ring with outraged tantrums, slammed bedroom doors and your shouted (but apparently unheard) pleas to “just get in the damned car, right now!”
I have now worked with many other “loving but exhausted” parents who have unnervingly similar stories. They too are struggling merely to survive, let alone thrive, amidst the endless grinding days and the long, guilt-ridden nights.
The more of these stories I hear, the more I have come to see that this is not really Lisa's story, or your story, or my story…it is OUR story.
This the story of a generation of parents who are struggling in chaos and confusion, battling each day to give our children the love and care we sense they need during an unprecedentedly challenging historical moment.
Hasn't parenting always been hard?
But parenting has always been hard, right? Surely we’re not special there. Many of our grandparents struggled enormously with raising large numbers of children through world wars, personal challenges and social oppression.
In one sense, yeah…sure. Every generation has its own unique challenges. But could we just take a moment to really notice and appreciate some of ours? Because they are real doozies.
We are the first and only generation of parents to be raising children who are:
Overstimulated and numbed by an overwhelming virtual world of the internet, social media, phones and screens, all carefully designed to be addictive and containing a horrifying array of images just one click away.
Reeling with the grief, uncertainty and fear of climate change, sociopolitical unrest, widespread economic inequality and social polarisation.
Partially raised in daycare and after school programmes, often from infancy, surrounded by people all day long, but with only limited, fleeting and pressured time with parents and family.
Constantly engaged with activities, over-scheduled, overwhelmed and exhausted with school, homework, extracurricular activities and therapies, with little time left to play.
Cut off from the natural world around them, with more restrictions on their time, movements and freedom to roam than any previous generation.
Raised by stressed parents who are usually both working, often divorced and navigating complex blended families and co-parenting arrangements, and under extreme financial and social pressure.
At the heart of these diverse challenges lies the reality that we are living in an unprecedented era of disconnection.
We are living through what is quite possibly the greatest fragmentation of connection that human beings have ever known.
We find ourselves profoundly detached from one another, from the broader communities and natural world to which we belong, even from our own inner world.
It is within this extremely painful and generally unacknowledged social context that we peace-loving parents devote ourselves tirelessly to care for our children. We try so hard to create an alternative vision for our families, using whatever Pinterest, Instagram or New York Times bestseller suggestions we can get our hands on, but very quickly we reach the edge of our capacity, stumbling anxious, guilty and exhausted through each day.
The peculiar and unprecedented challenge of modern parenting
The trouble is, as a parent wanting to create a peaceful, caring relationships with your children, you are battling:
Intergenerational Attachment Trauma.
We are the last, tired links in a long chain of attachment trauma. Many of us were raised by people with attachment challenges, who were raised by people with attachment challenges, who were raised by people with attachment challenges, who were….(you get the idea).
It is a fair bet that since the day your ancestors left the close-knit safety of the hunter-gatherer communities that had safely nurtured their first 300,000 years on this planet, they struggled with the slow and painful fragmentation of their evolutionary attachment needs, and have passed these challenges down the line to you and your children.
How can we create loving connections with our children when we were not raised in a way that nurtures and supports connection?
2. Lack of capacity
One way of understanding conflict is that it always stems from a lack of capacity, and modern parents are in a capacity crisis. We work so hard, struggling to pay mortgages and rent, cook and clean, driving endlessly down dull grey roads to take our children to various "improving" activities.
We try our best to maintain loving family connection, but very quickly we reach the edge of our capacity. When we lack the emotional or material resources to solve problems peacefully, we resort to forceful alternatives: shouting, punishing, bribing, sulking, judging and good old fashioned door slamming. This is not because we are bad parents, but because we have hit the limits of capacity. Our nervous systems shut down to protect us and our automatic, learned behaviours take over.
How can we be present with our children when we are operating at the edge of our capacity?
3. Social Isolation
Despite popular messaging, the biological and anthropological evidence strongly suggest that we were NEVER supposed to operate alone! We no longer live, work and play 24-hours a day in small, intimate communities, but your brain, body and nervous system are constantly seeking an ancient expectation of interconnection, community and togetherness that is largely absent in our modern lives.
Those nauseating waves of anxiety you experience each day are helpful reminders that our modern society is no longer meeting your ancient needs. Your struggle is not only alone, but so often unseen. Your silent scream “I can’t cope!” is often stifled by the uncomfortable suspicion that others around you are similarly struggling.
How are we supposed to manage all of this stress alone?
4. Inner pain
Many of us are plagued by a painful inner narrative. We were raised to understand and interpret the world through a lens of blame, criticism and judgement and have come to see ourselves and our children through this lens. The resulting fear, anxiety and guilt are at times paralysing. We judge ourselves, often harshly, and we judge our children too; not because we are mean people but because this is the only way we know how to keep ourselves safe.
How can we act with confidence when we see the world through a lens of pain?
5. Disconnection from yourself
It is now an accepted part of daily life to numb ourselves in order to survive each day. Late-stage capitalism offers a smorgasbord of distraction at our fingertips ready to deaden our stress, anxiety, fear, shame and frustration (e.g. screens and social media, work, shopping, alcohol, highly-processed food, antidepressants and drugs).
As a result, you may no longer really feel your body, know how to interpret the emotional tidal waves that flood your system each day, or recognise the unmet needs these point to. Emotions can only be pushed down for so long before they come up in different ways - shouting at children, fights with partners, physical pain and illness, unwelcome tears, anxiety and depression which bookend each day.
How can you regulate your emotions when you have lost touch with them?
You may have been putting everything you have into caring for your children for so long now, you are now running on empty. Conflict and tension with our children is exhausting. The effort of getting our children to do all the things society expects of them is exhausting (e.g. school, homework, music practice etc). Restoring relationships after conflict is exhausting. You may not have time for “self care”, because there is nothing left after the challenge of surviving each day with children.
How can you make any change in your family when you have nothing else to give?
The exhaustion and lack of self care leave you empty, depleted, and longing for escape. You don’t have the capacity to be really present with you children, or create the rich and deep connection they crave. Unfortunately, this distance with our children creates a void, leading to problems with behaviour, defiance and conflict, requiring high levels of energy and attention from us, thus leaving us further depleted, with even less energy to connect.
How can you give your children the connection they need when you are so depleted?
If shit feels hard for you, that’s because it IS hard.
The combined weight of these factors creates a self-perpetuating downward spiral that sucks you down into a deeper and deeper place of overwhelm and disconnection each day. And you are not alone in your struggle; this is the vortex that all modern parents are, to some extent, caught up in. (For more, see this article by Sally from Natural Parent Magazine, January 2024).
How to fix our modern parenting woes
If the challenges we face as parents are so global (you may be thinking….) how on earth are we supposed to fix them? What kind of superhuman effort might be required? You may be imagining that in order to create a more peaceful vision of family life, it may require some kind of unattainable enlightened perfection that is beyond your current realm of possibility.
It is true, there is no magic fix for our modern parenting challenges. No amount of putting our child on the “Naughty step” or reward charts on the fridge will create the kind of peaceful family life that you yearn for. The journey from chaos to connection may not be an easy one, and is not one we can rush. It is, however, reassuringly straightforward.
The understanding I have come to is that if the root of our modern parenting crisis is a problem of disconnection, the only plausible fix is reconnection: reconnection with ourselves, with our children, and ultimately with our communities and the natural world we live in.
A reliable path to family peace
STEP 1: Reconnect with yourself.
Increasing your capacity involves learning to notice what is going on inside you, moment-to-moment, understanding what you need, and understanding how to care for your needs (especially when there are not enough hours in the day). This requires:
Conscious steps to interrupt your habitual patterns of thinking and reacting and build awareness of your feelings and needs.
Gentle practices to rewire your frayed nervous system and learn to self regulate in times of challenge.
Creating daily habits that support you to stay regulated, present and to care for your own needs with compassion.
As you learn how to self connect, you slowly start to increase your capacity, gradually creating a little more space in your cup.
A little bit of space is enough.
This is the wisp of oxygen that allows the spark of connection to explode, allowing small but noticeable (and sometimes quite dramatic) transformation to take place in your family life.
STEP 2: Reconnect with your children
Despite popular parenting mythology, the only true power any of us have with our children is the magical evolutionary power of connection.
Cooperation and care cannot be born out of fear, reward or punishment; they can (and reliably do) arise from a willing and loving child who will follow you anywhere because of the deep attachment bond you share.
When our connection with our children is strained by the vagaries and stresses of a world that does not prioritise this precious human connection, our relationships, our peace and the functioning of our family life will suffer. And so will we.
Connection is a strong, malleable rope made up of thousands of spider web threads woven in the myriad of individual moments of daily life. Weaving this thread is not about grand gestures, extravagant outings, perfect words or Christmas-card moments; it is about how we interact with our children in the mundane moments of our daily lives together.
The truth is, by virtue of your nature as a human being, you already have all the resources you need to have a peaceful, loving connection with your children.
We evolved to live as deeply interconnected creatures, and our brains, bodies and nervous systems are perfectly designed to support us on this interconnected journey. Connection is not a new skill we need to learn so much as a birthright we might rekindle.
We can learn to redirect energy we are currently leaking into behaviour challenges, guilt and conflict and pour this instead into reliable, consistent, unconditionally loving daily connection with our children.
STEP 3: Learn to navigate challenges using peaceful means
For many of us, challenging behaviour and disagreements with our children are a pretty constant pebble in our parenting shoes. When there is tension, we tend to revert to habitual patterns of blame, judgment and reactivity. We don’t know how to bring back connection, establish understanding and identify solutions that care for everyone’s needs.
Managing behaviour challenges, conflict and tension in a peaceful way takes conscious, deliberate attention to learn the art of honest expression, the skills of dialogue and empathy, how to express your needs honestly and make clear, doable requests in a way that you are more likely to be heard.
There is no magic bullet to make behaviour challenges and conflict go away. But we can learn ways to manage these inevitable daily struggles in a way that will cultivate peace and understanding rather than resentment and rebellion.
The magical part is that once you learn how to navigate relational challenges using peaceful methods, these moments can become a doorway to greater connection with yourself and your children. Your life can be a whole lot easier!
Is it possible for modern parents to find greater peace?
Working with peace-loving but overwhelmed parents like Lisa, what I have seen many times now is that when parents are able to consciously apply these three steps in their lives, they set in place a sequence that actually reverses the cycle, creating a self-feeding connection system that slowly rebuilds greater peace, capacity and ease in their lives day-by-day.
To be clear, these steps of reconnection are not a one-off, done-and-dusted process. This is an iterative process that we can come back to daily, revisiting each step countless times, with each pass gradually building our capacity and the depth of our connection with ourselves and our children.
These steps now form an integral part of my way of being in the world and the way my family lives: I connect with myself, I connect with my children, and I manage the challenges that come up for us using the most peaceful methods that I have capacity for. Rinse and repeat.
When things go wrong, as they inevitably do, I pause to notice which step I might be neglecting, and I start again from that point.
There may not be a fast way to shift ourselves from parenting overwhelm to family peace, but these three steps form a path that is predictable, scientifically verifiable and ancient. It is absolutely possible to interrupt the cycle of chaos that we are stuck in by redirecting our precious time and energy into supporting new, life-giving patterns to rebuild connection with our children and restore peace in our families.
If you are experiencing challenges in your life with children and would like some support, community and guidance, have a look at our upcoming guided online support programme for parents: “From Chaos to Connection: An 8- week, online programme to support you to (finally) bring about the peaceful vision of family life you're longing for.”
If you want to hear more about Sally’s perspective on why connection is so important in our relationships, see this interview with her.
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