What is it that can stop us from connecting with those we love the most? How to care for our inner "stuck-ness" and open the possibility of connection.
I sit in front of my computer. In my 'workroom'. My daughter walks in. Her face looks a bit gloomy. She sits down and starts to talk to me... I notice I'm struggling to take in what she is saying. I sigh. Not a gentle breathing in and out, no, a SIIIGGHHH... A long slow breath in with my eyes widened open, just about rolling... Followed by a quick outbreath, with a slight tone in it. My body feels tense, there is frustration...
I become aware of my thoughts "Why do I ALWAYS get interrupted? Can't she get that this is my time, to FOCUS?" I see her face. I see her posture change, her shoulders folding in, her head down.
A sense of guilt arises in me. I hear a part of me saying: "You are her mother, come on, she clearly has something on her chest that is important, you should engage with her!"
I close my eyes and take a deep, slow breath in and gently release it. I connect to the other part. The "Leave me alone, I want to focus" part. I remember the joy, satisfaction and peace I gain when I can fully focus and engage with my projects. Yes, such a worthwhile experience that I long for!
AND, I remember... I remember my commitment. To BE there. To BE there as a parent, as a human being. That there is nothing more precious than the connection between me and the people that are so dear to me. Here she is, my teenage daughter. Willing to share her vulnerable feelings and thoughts, wishing to be heard.
I invite her: "Would you like a to come and sit with me, have a hug?" "Yess" she hops over and sits on my lap. We cuddle. I listen. I'm taking it in, this snippet of saying yes to connection. Delicious. Grateful.